oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
