I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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