Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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