I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
