I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i dont even know how to be here
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
