mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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