We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
