If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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