I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
