Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
