proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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