dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
