Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wish my penis had an off switch
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
