it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
