it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
