If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
