I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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