dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
