News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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