Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
