My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
