Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
