yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
