Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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