He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
