Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
