genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
