ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
