So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
