Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
