I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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