Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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