how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
