barbara walters just said penis...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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