Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
