if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
