Well apparently he's into motor boating.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
