So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
