I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
