I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
