tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Im part way to drunk.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
