He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
