I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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