Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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