i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
