Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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