I'm so fucking centered right now
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
