I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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