nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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