I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
