wrigley field is MILF paradise
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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