We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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