Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
