you guys were way drunker than both of me
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
