so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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