My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
