Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
