I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
