our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
