My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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