WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize