I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
