the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize