I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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