This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
