i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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